From Little Rock, Arkansas — 08/03/2010
Okay, so I worked at Krispy Kreme for a few months, and I had quite a bit of time to think about things on the job. Here, I'll just list some things that I've noticed, bits of advice, stuff that annoyed me, shit like that.
If you ever want to know why every country in the world, including America, hates America, go work in a doughnut shop, or anything in the food service industry. Kids bitching at their parents, people who literally can't count their own change, folks repeatedly price-checking items that cost the same, people who apparently can't read coupons and need them explained, and enough obesity to fill the Grand Canyon. God fucking bless.
Don't say this to people who work at Krispy Kreme: "Oh my, how can you work here? If I worked here, I'd be so fat because of all the doughnuts I'd eat." No, you wouldn't. Christ. Here's how it works. First day on the job, manager says you can have all the doughnuts you can eat. Oh shit, you think, I've always wanted to do that. Yay! 4 doughnuts later, your sugar tolerance drops to baseline and you fight vomiting for the rest of the day. Next day, you've grown a little wiser. I'm still going to try to gorge myself, but this time I'm going to pace myself throughout the day. You eat one, wait, eat another, wait, now your body doesn't really want any sugar but you eat another anyway, wait, now the mustard packets are looking kind of appetizing, take a bite of another, you're done for the day. Well shit. After your fourth shift or so, you pretty much give up. In the last 2 months I've worked there, I've probably eaten 3 total. So no, you'd be exactly as fat as you were when you started working at the store. In fact, you might lose some weight because you don't eat so many toxic doughnuts.
The doughnuts themselves. Mmmm, krispy. It pretty much melts in your mouth. Does it taste like love? Oh, I bet it does. It sure would suck to find out that this particular doughnut is about 60% grease, 15% glaze, and 25% low grade dough pumped full of enough preservatives to survive a nuclear holocaust. If you'd like a visual, one time I took a doughnut fresh off the line, hot and glistening. Wearing a glove, I proceeded to compress the doughnut as much as I could. I got it down to about the size of a single gambling die. The rest of the doughnut, the stuff that was squeezed out, is what I call doughnut juice. I'm almost positive it causes sterility. We hand this shit out to children, people. Does nobody see a problem with that?
I noticed we're destroying the environment with napkins. Like, literally, I think it's just napkins. If we stopped using those, the earth's life span would be doubled at least. When you order a dozen doughnuts, you don't need a 3 inch thick stack of napkins. You only have ten fingers. Even if you got every finger completely coated, somehow, and then found a way to use an entire napkin on each, you've still only used about a fourth of an inch of napkin.
Just a tip, before you start ordering doughnuts, say how many doughnuts you'd like. It's very helpful. We can't start grabbing your doughnuts until we know whether we're putting them into a dozen box or a half-dozen box. We're going to end up asking you to repeat the order after we figure out your order won't fit in the damn little box. It just saves us time.
Don't order a specific kind of coffee. Just say what size cup you want. Bold, smooth, rich, robust, they're the exact same thing. Someone says, "I want bold because the aroma is stronger." I don't think to myself, what a hipster, he understands coffee. I think to myself, I want to spit in this guy's cup so damn bad. You know what we do? We fill it up with smooth. Every time. The bold, the rich, whatever else, they've been sitting around all day. We fill the smooth, use it all up, then make another pot of smooth. Do you know how many people have noticed and told me that their coffee wasn't as dark as they had wanted? Zero. Pretty damn hip, hipster.
Here's something that pisses me off. "I'd like a large coke with EXTRA ice." No, you really wouldn't. Let's start with the anatomical problems. You order a 24 ounce cup. You have a human bladder. A human bladder comfortably holds about 15 ounces. You are automatically presented with a problem. This is why Americans have problems with water retension; they're purposely stretching their bladders to twice their natural size, "to get my money's worth." No. Idiot. You didn't want to buy that much to begin with. They're just taking extra money from you, because you're stupid and they can. Now, let's ignore that. EXTRA ice. Awesome, so you also don't understand basic laws of physics, like liquid displacement. You get that extra large cup for your extra thirsty bladder, and then you fill it 3/4 of the way with ice. In a 24 ounce cup, you're actually buying about 6 ounces of drink and 18 ounces of water. Oh, but the water's frozen, so it's disguised. Anybody could have fallen for that one, right? No, this is why everyone thinks we're stupid. We fucking sell water to each other. Do you really want to get your money's worth? Order a small drink, no ice. Then, for shits and giggles, order a fucking cup of ice. It's free. In fact, ask for a large cup if it makes you feel better. The kid behind the counter doesn't give a shit what cup he gives you, just ask for it. Now, slowly and carefully pour the drink into the ice. Better yet though, castrate yourself. Our species doesn't really need any more of your genes.
When you're in the drivethrough, don't order shit that takes forever to make. You're in the drivethrough. People are impatiently waiting to be poisoned behind you. Seriously, go inside, order, sit, chill, watch tv, read, whatever you do. It doesn't actually make any difference to me, but its rude to the customers behind you. They have just as much right to get their barely earned money swindled from them in exchange for a shortened lifespan as you do.